& if that doesn’t work out, could also be my father.
- Rob Lowe: This man is literally more fit than most 35 year old and you could crack an egg on his jawline, need I say more?
- Alec Baldwin: I shouldn’t even need to explain this, he has a voice like velvet and eyes like a Siberian Husky.
- Steve Buscemi: Listen…Steve Buscemi is everything. There is no man who would make a more dapper corrupt 1930’s treasurer.
- Adam Scott: Perhaps this gentleman is a bit young to be considered a silver fox but he could still be my father and I would love him unconditionally. I am also pretty sure he is shorter than me so cutest couple alert? I think so.
- David Bowie: This man was who started it all when I was a little girl, yes that is right, my first crush ever. Perhaps he is a bit of a confusing crush for a six year old to have and also maybe why I grew up not ever questioning gay marriage.
- Willem Dafoe: My frog faced angel.
- Pierce Brosnan: 0069
- Alan Rickman: He can whip me into Snape…seewhatIdidthere?
- Gary Oldman: You played Sid Vicious and Sirius Black. Done.
- Tom Selleck: Have you seen his mustache? Duh.
- Jeff Goldblum: You look like a dapper turtle and I will always love you.
- Morrissey: You will never love anything as much as you love animals and that’s okay with me. We will sleep in separate beds and it will be beautiful.
- Sir Paul McCartney: I have two legs and we’ll have prenup. That should be all you look for in a woman now anyway.
- Martin Freeman: I’ll be your bad Hobbit. Get it?
- Nick Cave: I’ll be your bad seed….okay I reused a joke but to my credit, it was wildly appropriate.
- David Duchovny: I really haven’t seen a lot that you’ve been in but I like you.
- Colin Firth: You can be the king of my castle.
- Woody Harleson: You are a grown man and your name is Woody. You’re asking for it.
An Exhaustive List by Vick Kelsey
1. Spiders. To be clear, any bug or insect of any kind at all falls under the category of “spiders” for me. They are all fucking spiders, and they are all fucking scary.
2. Rollercoasters. I have never been on any other rollercoaster besides the Runaway Train at Six Flags. I threw up from fear. True story.
3. Windows at night time. If it is dark outside, I can’t look out a window. I am convinced that I will glance over and see the face of a creepy man, or a snarling demon or something, just peering into my room, and I just can’t handle that. (Note: there has never been a creepy man, let alone a snarling demon, peering into any room I’ve ever been in - but just the idea of this happening is at the forefront of my brain every time it gets dark out).
4. Long dark hallways/staircases. I’m pretty sure every person alive does that same thing while walking in a long dark hallway, or climbing a dark staircase. By “that same thing”, I mean run faster than you previously thought was physically possible, because you fucking KNOW someone is following you, YOU KNOW IT.
5. When friends say “We need to talk”. When have you ever heard something good follow that statement? “We need to talk … . your hair looks SO good today!” No. It’s more like “We need to talk … We are breaking up forever and you will never find someone else to love and you will die alone.” Stomach pits 4 lyfe.
6. When one of my parents starts crying. There is nothing worse then the feeling of impending doom that coats you like a thick blanket when a child sees their parent crying. Multiplied by two if that parent is your father - in my experience, you know shit’s about to get real fucking bad if your dad is openly weeping.
7. Any sort of slightly abnormal physical pain. “My armpit is sore … oh god, there are lymph nodes in armpits … if it’s sore, my lymph nodes are probably broken … I have cancer, I’m going to die, it’s the only conclusion.”
8. When people I love get too fucked up. Every time someone I love gets like, wasted or fucked up on drugs or something, I internally freak out and need to take care of them immediately. While a large part of this is due to the nice thought that I just don’t want them to be hurt or taken advantage of, a smaller part of this has to do with my own selfish need of not wanting to thrown up on.
9. People from south of the Mason Dixon line. Deliverance.
10. The news. I am petrified of the world today, and the more I watch the news the more I realize that America is turning into Orwell’s 1984.
Ok, I have a bit of a rant. I’m usually a pretty generous person, but bad service just rubs me the wrong way. If I ask for a coffee refill, fuckin’ get me it. This server came to my table not once, but twice, and refilled my friend’s mug and completely ignored me, and my cup was empty. And the second time, he comes by and ignores me again. Hello? I’m sitting here in fucking studs and sequins, I’m clearly not invisible. And the icing on the cake is when he complained how people don’t tip him well, as if hinting to us to leave him a good tip. Bitch, no. I gave him a dollar. Enjoy your one dollar backseat handjob, sucker.
First World Problem of the Day: Jason Alexander implores you to help right the unconscionable wrong that is the Netflix price increase by donating to the Netflix Relief Fund.
Won’t somebody please think of the white people?!
Fuck you for this, Netflix. I AM CRYING ON MY MACBOOK PRO!!! I can’t wait until another company usurps your ass and I can leave you like I leave guys who wear Acne jeans.
God, I hate dudes who wear Acne jeans.
4 Reasons Nicole Sterner Will Never Be Good at Cooking, by Nicole Sterner
Reason number 1:
I am a huge pussy.
I’m scared of shit. Like, a lot of shit. I blame this on the elder Sterners, who never let my siblings or I do anything that might hurt us, such as play contact sports, play the flute (I might run into something and accidentally jam it down my throat like I did with the unicorn’s horn shaped sucker from Disneyland-fuck you, sucker, I never lived that down), or ride horses too fast. Therefore, I have never broken a bone, torn a muscle, knocked myself out or had a cavity, which means I never want to. I don’t go looking for trouble, okay? Another thing is that I am INSANELY SCARED of heat. I stuck my right hand in a heater when I was, like, 3 and I still have scars on my knuckles from that little experiment. Therefore the idea of being AROUND or TOUCHING hot things scares the SHIT out of me! Flames on stoves, the bellowing clouds of warmth from ovens; shit, even coffee machines and toasters scare me a little. Every time I’m in the kitchen cooking things, I look like the last black character left in a horror film; I’m always movin’ slow, recoiling, and flinching. As if any second I’m going to get cut or burned.
Did I add I am deathly afraid of knives? Okay.
Reason number 2:
I have the memory of a goldfish.
Have I done a lot of drugs? You betcha. Is that to blame for my complete and utter absence of short term memory? Maybe. Point is, I forget shit almost immediately. For instance, making rice: you boil water, add rice, stir, then lower heat to a simmer and cook. I ALWAYS FORGET TO LOWER THE HEAT. I usually catch shit before I completely ruin it, but damn! Why can’t I just remember to turn the heat down, yo? I’ve made rice what, like 40,000 times? Come on!
My lack of memory means I’m almost always running behind on the other dishes I’m making as the side to my main dish; this is crucial because in the kitchen, timing is everything. Having no sense of time and/or memory means I’m like a woman at a DSW sale; all over the place and frantic, knowing I’m forgetting something at every turn.
Reason number 3:
I am worthless at spatial dynamics.
You know what that means? It means I never damn know how much food to cook. I do okay with myself, I mean, it’s easy to do the math for ONE. But the minute 2 or more are added, I lose it. Everything ALWAYS looks like too much to me, and it NEVER IS. I need to remember (see reason 2 above) to just DOUBLE what I think is right when I’m cooking for guests. Better to have leftovers than empty plates.
Reason number 4:
I am spoiled.
Truthfully, even if I was fucking great at cooking, I would still prefer someone else to do it for me. I have OTHER shit to do, okay? Like BLOG. Or look at the East side of my ceiling. I’m a Leo, which besides meaning I have a great rack and love people means I secretly believe I should be waited on hand and foot. Every time I cook, I feel like I’m doing myself/my guests/etc. a huge fucking favor. And the point is, unless you’re making some gourmet foo foo meal, you’re not going to get your ass kissed for making dinner. And that isn’t good enough for me.
This is my retort to the discussion of taking away outsourced labor and forcing successful companies to hire US workers.
The only reason the company would have to pass on costs to their consumers after they were ‘forced’ to switch back to US labor instead of outsourced is because that company chose to do soThere is nothing that says being ethical won’t cut into your profits…but that’s the cost of business in my mind. If your salary as owner drops from $90,000 to $60,000 because you had to hire a US worker for $40,000 instead of a worker abroad for $10,000 a year, that’s just how it is. Sorry you’re dropped from that income level, but as long as you keep doing great business, you’ll be able to keep work in the US and stay successful. The only reason you’ll be angry about your income drop is if you believe you’ll never get back to it, which is a recipe for failure in general.
To be honest, I don’t feel comfortable with outsourcing any jobs. For example: I’m poor as dirt, but I’ll still by a t-shirt from American Apparel for $30 over one from Forever 21 for $3 because I’d rather give my money (and more of it) to a company which 1. keeps jobs in America 2. treats their workers right. When you do the research, the workers who are working in other countries for US companies aren’t exactly living normal lives. You think the kids working in China to make your Wal-Mart coffee pot are working 8 hour days with 2 fifteen minute breaks and a lunch? Maybe isn’t an option because the answer is no.
We import products and outsource work. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know this is completely backwards.
The reason this is allowed is because we’re lazy and like cheap stuff.
Many European countries tax their citizens at levels Americans would never allow, but this is because their taxes go to social services which end up giving their citizens a higher quality life. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to have free health care and paved roads? What about good schools? Healthy organic food? Pretty wild, I know. Americans aren’t used to seeing their tax dollars actually manifest in anything worthwhile, which is why trying to tax someone 50% of their income will probably never happen. It’s a sad state of affairs in this country.
Trade is supposed to supplement both of the countries with benefits. The threat of other countries taxing us at a higher level if we punish companies for outsourcing is an actual threat only because we import almost everything. That threat would have very little leverage if the US would start encouraging manufacturing inside of itself and deport illegal aliens. Why we don’t follow suit with Europe more often is beyond me.
Every country in the world is now a global commodity, but what I don’t understand is how this has helped anyone. Okay, I can buy cheap stuff from other countries and get to talk to people in other countries when I call help lines and eat exotic foods from other countries, but I don’t see the benefit except the urge to CONSUME. You’re encouraged to consume but never contribute. Have you noticed most jobs in America are now “service” jobs? Meaning we work in banks and for insurance companies and for internet companies and push paper around, but rarely MAKE anything for sale. Look at Michigin; we couldn’t even make decent cars so now that entire state is in a dire swampland of poverty. We all know a Honda is going to outlast a Ford by who knows how long, so we just buy our Honda without looking at the ramifications of our actions on any level beyond ourselves.
Every single one of our actions leads to an equal reaction somewhere else.
Which means if you’re “okay” with eating genetically modified foods and non-organic foods, you’re hindering the organic movement and furthering the movement for GMOs and pesticides.
If you’re okay with companies outsourcing jobs and heathcare being for-profit and surrepticiously run by insurance companies, then you’re okay with the fact Americans are going to have harder and harder times finding jobs, and you’re okay with the medical establishment in this country being a complete joke.
The comparisons go on and on and on and on.
Being global is supposed to be a benefit to us. It seems to be the opposite.
For further reading on these concepts, try “Confessions of an Economic Hitman” by John Perkins and “A Brave New World Revisited” by Aldous Huxley.
Baptists are poor as shit?! Now it all makes sense! I’ve always wanted to be a Jew…time to make my dreams happen.
* * *
We live in a moralizing culture that produces and holds up certain ideals. These ideals promote the angel in all of us. When someone is praised, it is for their philanthropic work, what they are giving back to the community, what makes them a decent leader and positive role model. In a Hollywood film, it is the moralistic ending that is supposed to resonate in our minds–love conquers all, the good and the decent reap their rewards, etc. In the public spotlight, whenever someone wants to impress us, they get dewy-eyed and talk of various virtues in themselves or loved ones.
It is not that this is completely false, that we are all devils and nothing more. But it creates ideals no one can live up to, and in fact produces resentment and accounts for our secret attraction to what is dark and animal in human nature–the shadow side in us all, that part of us that manipulates, inflicts pain, etc. And so this seeps out of us unconsciously. We fill our books and films with characters who do bad things. We love reading about the actions of con artists, pimps, hustlers. We may consciously swallow the happy, moralistic ending, but our real passion goes towards the villain in ways we cannot explain.
What really draws us to the con artist, the pimp, the hustler, the Rasputins and Lord Byrons is that they are more genuine than we are. Instead of living a double life in which they show their good sides and deny the darkness, they are authentically human. Just like children, who find it hard to disguise their cruel streak. Secretly, we wish we could be more like them and indulge this part of our character that starts to smell for being so underground.
So next time you hear a moralizer denouncing hip hop, or railing against some athlete of dubious character, or disparaging homosexuals, or ranting against amoral books about power, or whatever it is, just do a mental calculation: the strength of their denunciation equals the strength of their attraction. They are trying to push down the very dark side that is trying to rise to consciousness. They can only express this “yes” with “no.” When you see a Hollywood film in which a criminal or dark character pushes the plot, but in the end a happy, moralistic ending is tacked on, focus on what dominates most of the film–the vivid descriptions of the dark sides that make us want to see the film. In other words, that dark side is finding unconscious expression.
Think of people’s words as distracting devices. What is really true about a person is often communicated by what he or she doesn’t say, by actions that mean something other than their conscious intentions. Disgust and fear can be disguised forms of attraction. This is a basic principle for any aspiring seducer.
Via Robert’s no longer updated but still endlessly wonderful blog, Power, Seduction and War