RASTA WHITE DUDES
I know, how politically incorrect. Eat dicks.
I was just applying a pound of makeup to my ugly face when “Everlasting” by Remy Shand came on. For those of you who are either new to my blog or new to life, Remy Shand is an amazing one-album neo-soul singer-songwriter (so many HYPHENS) from Canada. I’d definitely say Everlasting is his best song, so if you’re inclined to check him out, try that song first. The rest of his repertoire can be a bit much to handle unless you’re REALLY into the genre (which I am, obv). But my adoration of the man made me wonder what happened to all the Rasta White Dudes there used to be around! You know, dudes with long hair (usually in dreadlocks) who wore those rasta hats and played hacky sack in random places? The ones who would usually blast some kind of Bob Marley tribute band while they were rolling around in their McDonald’s Big Mac boxes circa 1985 looking cars? Come ON!
This type of dude seems to be a lost breed, unless you live in Oakland. Oakland is the last stop before heaven for these cats, as I’ve never seen them anywhere else in recent days. Still, I miss the mid-90’s when dudes like this were everywhere. Did you hear that? I miss you, rasta hat wearing dudes. I miss when Jamiroquai’s Jay Kay was one of you. I miss Remy Shand. I miss all my high school dudefriends who taught me this type of dude might not smell the best, or have any money, but he will have weed and he will give you the sagest advice you’ll ever get from a man who wants to bang you but will never tell you not because he’s scared, but because he’s a gentleman. And because he actually doesn’t want to ruin your friendship. Although also, you wouldn’t bang him anyway.
Viva la Rasta White Dudes. Always + Forever.
The Sleepy Jackson - Devil Was In My Yard
I wonder if everyone wanted to punch Luke Steele during the filming of this video. That retarded robot face is too fucking much.
Anyway, if you listen to the song, and I mean really listen to it, it’s amazing. So layered and gorgeous and harmonic.
I’d also like to point out Luke’s wardrobe is flawless, par usual. There is a very real part of me that whispers “this guy is a douche, Nicole” when I see him, but that’s also the same part of me that tells me not to eat delicious cookies and smoke weed, so fuck that part of me.
I’m willing to go out on a limb here and guess that most stories of kindness do not begin with drug addicted celebrity bad boys.
His name is Robert Downey Jr.
You’ve probably heard of him. You may or may not be a fan, but I am, and I was in the early 90’s when this story takes place.
It was at a garden party for the ACLU of Southern California. My stepmother was the executive director, which is why I was in attendance without having to pay the $150 fee. It’s not that I don’t support the ACLU, it’s that I was barely twenty and had no money to speak of.
No one needs to convince me of RDJ’s greatness, but this story was precious! <3
Safe to say, when you start Googling videos of Ian Tracey not acting, just talking, you’re officially obsessed.
Ian Tracey. Hi.
Because there is too much depressing shit going on, I present the TOP 5 SONGS I DANCE TO ALONE IN MY APARTMENT.
Song 5: Winger - Seventeen
I really don’t give a fuck about what other people think about Winger, or about this song, which is basically about statutory rape. All I know is it’s the best “80’s slut grind” song to dance to, ever. Not only does this jam force me to gyrate obscenely, lip synch better than Milli Vanilli, and grab “balls from heaven”, it also makes me think about Kip Winger circa 1980whatever, which is awesome. Kip Winger is so fucking insanely hot in this video it’s practically criminal. I’m not really into “hair band dudes” or men that whirl around covered in oil with one quarter of a t-shirt on, but Kip Winger’s face is so deviously feline, and God knows I love men that look like miscreants.
Sterner Review Time: Lie to Me (Seasons 1-2 on Netflix)
After watching every single available episode of Damages on Netflix Instadoodle, I was in need of another show to fill up my background noise and before bed viewing requirements. Damages made me cry tears of happiness, so I knew it would be hard to follow up with something sub-par. I went the “Netflix Suggests” route, which was fucking HORRIBLE, and started fucking around looking for another TV show with more than 1 available season and liked the cover of Lie to Me, so I checked it out.
BAM, motherfucker! That shit is AWESOME! I went from hating Tim Roth’s face to thinking he’s an acting GENIUS because his facial expressions, body movements and general characterization of “deception expert” Cal Lightman are HILARIOUS. While the show’s consistency ranges from “pretty good” to “are you serious?”, Tim Roth’s acting remains amazing, and it doesn’t hurt the rest of the cast are all excellent actors and ain’t too shabby on the eyes.
If you haven’t seen this shit, it’s a show revolving around Dr. Cal Lightman, a saucy British import who runs his own “lie detection” agency. The character was based off of a real doctor, who I looked up but am now too lazy to re-Google. Anyfoo, the first episode was quite entertaining and I enjoyed the concept of Lightman’s firm being able to work on a different “case” every episode. This lends to quite the array of possibilities for a show; one minute these fucks are vetting congressmen, the next they’re protecting Korean attaches from assassination! Yes! Action packed! Is it realistic? Kinda. The plotlines begin realistically enough and then, of course, end up being filled with AHA!s and YOU’RE LYING! TAKE HIM AWAY!s. Someone’s always getting into trouble and someone is always getting someone out of trouble. It’s very standard TV drama, but the redeeming factors are the inter-character interactions and casting.
Lightman is backed up by his BFF (and business partner) Foster (played by Kelli Williams) who does a great job playing a mothering, “always looking out for your best interests” psych doctor. Kelli’s face gets on my nerves, and the writers really fuck her sometimes with cheesy lines, but the bitch can roll. One complaint is her quirkiness was really toned down after the pilot especially, and then completely eradicated in season two. She starts off as kind of a candy/puddin’ cup loving sprite to Lightman’s cranky Brit and then, shortly thereafter, the roles are reversed and now Lightman’s the free spirit and poor Foster (Kelli) is the serious one. EABOD, writers!
The other two “main” characters are Torres and Loker-a sassy, Latina “natural” (someone who can detect lies without real training) and a gawky white boy lab assistant. Torres is played by Monica Raymund, who is fine as a MOFO although her teeth are…weird. Loker is played by Brendan Hines, who I frequently fantasize about walking on beaches with. Both of these characters add ACTUAL depth with their roles, which is often rare in TV dramas.
But the real kicker, and the true reason I believe this show made it to 3 seasons, is the relationship between Lightman, his ex-wife (played by Jennifer Beals, who looks AMAZING!) and their daughter, Emily. Jenny’s great to see because her character is sassy and she and Lightman still bone and argue a lot (something I identify with), but it’s really the Emily character who hammers shit home. Emily is played by Hayley McFarland, and GD IS THIS GIRL TALENTED! I don’t even want to see her in another role because if I do, and she sucks, it’ll make me cry. She’s SO GOOD in this show. Plus, I love it when casting directors actually cast kids that LOOK like their fake parents: Hayley LOOKS like she’s Tim Roth and Jenny Beal’s kid. Like, exactly. Spot on, casting directors. Thank you.
Lightman’s character progresses throughout the seasons and gets more and more comical. At the end of season 2, he’s a complete megalomaniac which is fucking AWESOME and very endearing. Tim Roth is a tinnnny little British man, and watching him play an arrogant, dancing on his tiptoes making faces at people rich doctor who BUSTS CRIMEZ WITH HIS FACIAL SKILLZ is amazing. Really, Tim Roth’s acting in this show is hilarious. I’m chuckling just thinking about it.
All in all, it’s not the BEST show I’ve ever seen, but not everything produced can be Arrested Development. Despite it’s occasional inconsistency, Lie to Me is STERNER APPROVED.
Because, you know, you care.
I fell off the Franco train at the onset of 2011 because he’s started to look sort of wine stained and bloated lately. Plus, “Eat Pray Love”. God, why?! However, in his heyday, this dude could pretty much just show up and have panties at his feet. Mine would be there.
Yeah-NOT into Christian Bale or Brad Pitt, but into Jared Leto? I know, it makes no sense. Still, this fuck has one of the most amazingly gorgeous man-faces I’ve ever seen, period, peace out, end of story. Par usual, he seems like an incredible douchebag. Aren’t they always?
Buff. Hairy. Maybe gay. Good daddy. I’d sit on his face.
Harry (Harrison) Ford
Um, my dad looks like Harry Ford. True to Freud, I’m into Harry. Thanks, psychology!
You know, fuck people who say Pierce was a shitty James Bond. No, motherfucker. Pierce Brosnan is the Bond-est of all Bonds, even Bond-er than Sean Connery, because he’s smooth as silk and quietly handsome.
You know when you see a dude on screen, and you’re convinced he’s like 6’5” and 250 pounds of muscle and will whisper French sonnets into your ear all night while giving you hours of cunnilingus? Yeah, that’s Viggo for me, even though I know he’s short as fuck and probably boring.
I don’t need to explain this.
My middle school crush is still going on. No shame.
This is against everything I stand for, but if I was at a Hollywood party and Zac Efron came up and started talking to me, I’d pretend to be interested in whatever he was yapping about. That says something.
I AM ON CRUISE CONTROL! I don’t give a FUCK! I love Tom Cruise! He’s hot, he’s short, he’s crazy, and he’s rich! Yes yes yes yes!
Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Oh shit. This man looks like he’d do some FILTHY ASS fucked up shit to a bitch; like the type of dude who’d pick you up in a chauffeured car, take you out somewhere fancy, fuck you in public, then dump your ass on a street corner only to do it all again next weekend. He’s a perfect combo of androgynous yet still masculine sexy-skanky and I’m into that.
ONLY as Legolas.
Robert Downey, Jr.
I consider RDJ to be my Male Holy Grail because no matter what he’s doing (coke, getting arrested, winning awards, being cool), where he’s at or what he’s wearing, he’s fucking fine. FINE. Yeah, like YOU ARE ONE FINE ASS BITCH. Hot. Sexy. Magical. Handsome. UNF OH GOD he’s got this “thing” about him, you know? This indescribable THING which takes him from just another handsome guy to INSANELY HOT, TOO HOT, I CAN’T HANDLE IT WHY ARE YOU MARRIED HOT. Yep. #1 fan.
Once, I ran into him in the CBS cafeteria and almost peed my pants. This mofo is FIIIIINE! Oh, so fine. Delicious, even. The asshole who broke my heart when I was 22 (or 23? Whatever) was the white version of this dude, so I’m semi-projecting emotion, but still. Dude is hot.
Bill Nye’s face IS priceless at the moment the Fox anchor relates volcanoes on the moon to the global warming crises, but what really amuses me is how Bill keeps trying to “sell” science to the Fox audience, as if they’re children who he only has 2 minutes to mesmerize into thinking school is cool.
Fair assumption, Bill.
#and don’t forget to bring a towel
#babes in leather
#Babybel cheese is my God
#by the way bitch
#Beyonce is better than you
#Being a bougie white person is hard
#Brend-uh (like, from 90210)
#Dudes I want to walk on the beach with
#Don’t quit your day job, bitch (I must REALLY like the word bitch)
#Gin Freckles (my AKA, along with Tits Watkins)
#I can look, it’s not a sin
#I have a Christian Dior hat (good for me)
#I miss being a fake cholita (true)
Jesus, Ed-we just started seeing each other and you’re already making coy references in Teen Vogue? Wait. Teen Vogue? Nevermind. Don’t call me anymore.