Because I’m better than you, I always walk to get my groceries. This means I regularly haul about a hundred pounds (this is a real figure, I’m not over-exaggerating like “oh this loaf of French bread and jar of artichoke hearts is soooo heavy) on my fragile, bony shoulders. This is even more impressive because I have the upper body strength of a toddler.

Usually when I know I have to buy heavy shit (anything sold in gallons; flour) I bring along my Old Asian Lady Cart as I’m not into flagellation any more than I am kicking myself in the fucking face for no reason. However, today I had to run an errand before I went to the store, so I left my cart at home as the idea of dragging that shit behind me in a fancy department store is about as comical as me being in one in the first place.

So I run my department store errand and go to the store and buy a ton of shit. While in line, checking out, I had a twosome of early 20something girls crowd up to me in line while I was at the register (meaning actually transacting business, not waiting to get to it); these bitches were in full squeal-force while they talked about some road trip and they were literally AN INCH away from me. Then when I went to help the cashier bag my shit (after I had entered my club card but before paying), they actually set up shop AT the register itself, which I found appalling. I HAVEN’T EVEN FUCKING PAID YET YOU IMBECILE BITCHES! When the lady before me checked out, I stayed a nice, cool 3-4 feet behind her until she got ALL the fucking way out of the cashier’s vicinity despite the fact she was one of those horrifically rude people who take a full minute to put all of their change in the appropriate pockets of their wallet and then delicately fold up their receipt and put it in a separate part of their purse. I mean come on, lady, grab your shit and get the fuck out of here. The point here is PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO SLOW THEIR ROLL. Now I just bitched about that lady before me, but I very politely waited to inch into her territory because her rudeness does not affect my politeness. Likewise, it would be amazing if other people could just slightly adjust their behavior so as not to crowd other people, say, me. I’m IN THE MIDDLE OF CHECKING OUT. PLEASE STEP OFF.

This also happened to me yesterday at the pharmacy. Yesterday was a day like no other: it was a day I can only describe with the words “STAB YOU IN THE FACE” as that is what I felt like doing all day. I was woken up by the dog I’m babysitting being a fucking DICK, and then realized I couldn’t even go back to sleep for a nap quickie because I had a lunch date I had forgotten about plus about 3 hours of errands to run that couldn’t be put off. The night before I hadn’t been able to sleep until around 4 a.m. so if you take an angry white woman with very little sleep and add in an annoying dog and errands you end up with a very treacherous situation. Luckily my lunch date was postponed because of some stupid bike event down here which neither of my friends wanted to deal with. This was a very wise decision.

I left my house to run my errands and was immediately visually assaulted by hundreds of assholes on bicycles. At first, it was acceptable as the weather was great and I had smoked some weed to calm myself down before leaving the house. But roughly 5 minutes into my walking I made the horrible mistake of turning right into the bike traffic which delayed my errands by a literal hour. AN HOUR! There were so many douchebags on bicycles Downtown the streets looked like an American Apparel had barfed up a load of models from the 2001-2002 era. To top off the douches, there was a HEALTHY mix of families (why would you bring your 2-3 year old to a bike event? So they can hold up the whole train? Yes. That is why) and strange frat/sorority types that kept screaming/chanting while riding down the street. Please don’t scream/chant/cheer* around or at me, humans. It’s really annoying.

*Why do people do this? Screaming your university’s fight song or ‘MARCO!!!! POLO!!!!’ will one day get you killed when I get a gun permit, which I hope for your sake but not mine I never get.

When I actually made it to the pharmacy, I promptly found the shit I needed and proceeded to checkout where some Latin woman and her dead-eyed child decided they needed to stand AGAIN RIGHT NEXT TO ME. These two were so close to me they were almost on top of me. I had to stop my transaction three times to look at them, as the first time I incorrectly assumed this woman must need something urgently from the cashier and then the next two times I started at them incredulously as if to say “are you seriously almost touching my butt just to stand this close to me in line WHEN THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN LINE AT ALL AND YOU COULD JUST STAND WHERE THE LITTLE SIGN SAYS “PLEASE WAIT HERE UNTIL A CASHIER CALLS YOU”?’

I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS BEHAVIOR.

I DO ALMOST EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO AVOID TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLE IN PUBLIC *besides my friends, who I quite literally molest in public*

DO YOU NOT THINK THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ONLY SHOCKING BUT ALSO RUDE?

DO YOU NOT THINK IT’S INAPPROPRIATE TO BE THIS CLOSE TO SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE COMPLETING A CONFIDENTIAL MONETARY TRANSACTION?

DO YOU STAND THIS CLOSE TO PEOPLE AT THE BANK?

I want to kill you. I’ll spare your child despite their eyes telling me they are already dead inside.

Stupid people often breed stupid children. I can only hope this woman does not bleed her dumbassery on her kid.

I then later saw the idiot duo at another store I had to stop by, and they ironically were ahead of me in line at the checkout counter. I wanted to inch up on that bitch and give her a taste of her own medicine but my Inner Parent’s Voice told me not to. I hate you, proper upbringing!!! Justice will never be mine!

Back to the topic at hand, I fucking hate how loaves of bread always get smooshed in your grocery bags, even when you’re as delicate with the bags as you would be with a baby. Why don’t they sell those fuckers in eco-friendly paper boxes that could prohibit this problem? I hate everything.