Oh hey guys, here’s a post that’s not from Instagram!

I don’t know what’s become of me. I hardly ever write anything any more and that’s probably because I’m still mostly obsessed with Mormons (reading about Mormons takes up a disproportionate amount of time in my life and I’m not even ashamed to admit it) and also I’ve been Doing Things. Not anything particularly productive, but I’ve actually left my house fairly frequently recently which is both frightening and refreshing. Champagne for everyone! And squibs.

Also, I recently procured 112 pounds of vintage gear to sell so I hope you’re all prepared for a million pictures of said shit. There’s a lot of fur, let me just say that.

One of my ovaries hurts. It’s really obnoxious.

I started thinking back the other day to the last novel I wrote. Back in those days (the days when I was writing novels) I spent hardly any time on the Internet and read almost every day. I think most of us can agree we don’t read enough. When I was in clown college (what I’ve begun calling my stint at University of Phoenix) I read a lot of textbooks but that hardly counts. Speaking of clown school, has anyone noticed the ASTOUNDING ABUNDANCE of Internet college commercials on TV? I hardly ever watch cable, but when I do I’m always amazed at the commercials for clown college all over the screen on a variety of different stations. Don’t listen to those commercials, kids. My demographic research (A Real Thing I conducted at some point) tells me there is a nice sliver of teens and early adults (people between 18 and 21) who read my blog so please let me be the first to tell you that clown college isn’t real college. First, you’re literally dealing with the stupidest people in America. You don’t need to test into For Profit schools so most of your classmates will barely be able to formulate sentences and a good chunk of them will barely be able to write in English, so that sort of tells you right there what kind of experience you’re going to have in your classroom “forums”, of which about 20% of your grade will depend on. Also, the teachers aren’t allowed to objectively critique the work of students, and I know this because SEVERAL TEACHERS TOLD ME THIS, VERBATIM. Teachers aren’t allowed to say too much because the whole point of clown college is to pass (and therefore graduate) as many students as possible. Failing students still have to pay the class fees, but it’s not as fun to have a dismal graduation rate when you spill your annual profits at the end of the year. If you’re someone older than 21 and looking to enroll in school, just face the facts you’re going to have to eat dicks and go to night school if you’re already working full time. My excuse for clown school was and always will be the fact I was working 2 jobs (from roughly 9/10 a.m. to 10/11 p.m.) almost every day which basically left quite literally ZERO available time to go to my local community college to start my degree. After I obtained my AA, I tried to transfer to a “real school” for my BS, but eventually figured out I would have to take a SHIT BEJESUS TON OF CLASSES over again to do so, which no one ever tells you when you first enroll in online school. So…being the lazy and indignant person I am, I just stuck with clown college for my BS and I’ve regretted it ever since. Not only it is INSANELY INSANELY INSANELY expensive for what it is (shitty teachers teaching shit they barely understand/care about to idiots), it also impresses exactly no one both in real life and on resumes. No one is going to see “University of Phoenix” or “Kaplan University” and be confident in your ability to do just about anything except use Microsoft Word.

I’ll rant more about clown college later. For now I have to soothe my rogue ovary (stabbing pain? For why, ovary?) and eat a bunch of artichokes.

I love you. Hard.