A handy guide on topics to avoid discussing with me if you want to avoid having your name changed in my phone to “idiot”.

1. People you’re currently sleeping with (or about to sleep with)

Why? I don’t care. For the most part, unless there is a funny story or some growing emotion on either partner’s side, people talk about people they’ve hooked up with in an attempt to appear attractive. LOOK, SOMEONE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH THAT THEY’RE GOING TO RUB THEIR GENITALS ON/IN MINE! Unfortunately, talking about endlessly boring shit like who you’re fucking usually has the opposite effect on the listener, making you look and sound like an idiot. Women especially should check themselves when talking about men they’re sleeping with as most men will have sex with almost anything that walks. You’re not impressing anyone.

2. Your exes

Hey, we all have exes. I have like, 20. Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that talking about your exes should be like eating an entire pizza to yourself: something you do rarely and in private knowing full well it’s bad for you. Spare your friends the shame of watching you gobble down your past with a greasy mouth and a fistful of tears.

3. How wild and crazy you were (or are)

When you’re 14, it’s not only allowed but encouraged to yap endlessly about how bad ass you are. Drugs, sex, mouthing off, destroying public property, stealing…it’s all not only great, but impressive. Thing is, when you’re still talking about that crap at 25, it’s less impressive and more sad. This is what you’re still reflecting on as a great accomplishment? Jesus.

4. Things you’re never going to do

I know a lot of people who like to talk about shit they’re never going to do. From breaking up with their lovers to never talking to certain people again to getting a job to finishing school, if you’re not actually in the midst of doing it, don’t bring it up. “Don’t talk about it, be about it” is a nice way of saying “no one wants to hear you lie endlessly in an attempt to make yourself seem like you have it together”.

5. Your parents

Your parents fucked you up? Welcome to everyone’s life! No one cares. Go see a therapist like a grown-up and fix the issues you seem to believe come completely from the two assholes who raised you. After all, nothing in your life is actually your own fault, right?