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Natalia Kills - Kill My Boyfriend

A long time ago, maybe 2 years or so, my friend who shall remain nameless told me he was working with an up-and-coming pop artist who was, obv, Natalia Kills. He linked me to her website and I checked her out; I liked her aesthetic (it was a bit more raw and rugged then then it is now) and was hoping her shit wouldn’t suck, which, of course, it did. Since I spend very little time talking to or kicking it with people who have horrible taste in music, I had no idea this bitch totally blew up in those 2 years. I’d seen pictures of her around and noticed the aesthetic change into more of a “hey, I’m weird too!” look (see: Nicki Minaj) but figured she was still more of a cult sensation than anything else. Wrong.

Because I’m an objective asshole, I decided to give her one more listen to see if maybe, just maybe, I had been wrong. Maybe her shit no longer sucked! After all, a bigger budget in the studio can often turn something horrible into something mildly bearable (see: Lana Del Rey). As usual, my third eye predicted the sad, sorry truth: this bitch still sucks.

Pop music is 99.9% shit, I know that. I don’t go into a pop song or video expecting to be wowed by sentiment or deep thoughts or even pretty visuals; I grew up watching talentless fucks like Britney Spears prance around, so I’m well versed in seeing the worthless rise. But DAMN if it doesn’t bum me out. You CAN do pop right, you know. Can you compare this drivel to Michael Jackson? What about Madonna?! I mean, even Madonna made you feel like she invested a little bit of soul in her songs, and her voice isn’t very good at all but you can tell she knew that and therefore tried harder to stay on pitch and progress vocally. Even Beyonce, one of the most pedantic of all pop stars invests some soul in her music and busts her ass to give you a good show. Yet here we are, living in a world with the Black Eyed Peas (even Fergie’s solo album had some feeling in it!), Jessie J, Nicki Minaj, and Natalia Kills. I tell you, if this isn’t a sign the world is ending soon I don’t know what is.

For all of you aspiring musicians who have an actual personality and some talent and dedication and aren’t getting any attention from “the biz” because your songs don’t sound like forty babies shitting on a record while a cat yowls in the background, my apologies. Sincerely.